On a misty moor near dusk a lone-hooded wanderer walks, leading his weary old war horse. Out of the swirls of fog, he is suddenly surrounded. He looks over one shoulder sort of, but with only his hood visible so that it looks cool but he probably can’t see much. His weathered hand instinctively reaches under his rain-battered whaleskin cloak. He counts 8, 9, maybe more in the bushes.
“dint be silly now sonneh” grunts the leader; an old, ugly barbarian in tattered furs. “Dere’s furteen ov uz, and ainly wan of uuz”. The wanderer’s eyes narrow (but you can’t see it cos of his hood, but you can tell by his stubbly chin). “tak off yer sword and put it don on t’grund”.
The lonesome wanderer grunts, turns to his horse and whispers “easy girl” while it licks his hands a bit, looking for an apple. Then he unbuckles his belt. Some of the barbarians laugh gruffly and start whooping, scratching their bare chests and shifting their weight from one foot to the other. Rough clubs made of bones or wood are waved in the air. But suddenly: “Oh yeah? Check this out!” the man bellows, and lifts the sword high into the sky, handle up to the heavens. The Pommel! A bright light blinds the whole squad of barbarians. They are transfixed. Black swirls mesmerize them and all weapons drop to the ground. All of a sudden, they are hypnotized. “ha ha! unlucky you stupid idiots!” the wanderer bellows. Then, still holding the blade aloft, walks casually round and murders each of the transfixed barbarians with a knife except the birds who he feels up first then kills, then he lets his horse eat some of them and shit on the rest. He also shits and pisses on some of them (I didn’t say he wasn’t a dickhead). Yes, this wanderer’s sword is no normal blade. It is the mythic “Remesmo”. A blade forged (allegedly) before the dawn of time. It’s name a fearful whisper on the lips of travellers, adventurers and bar/kitchen-staff in taverns.
Key buzzwords I invented at the concept stage were “sleek”, “minimalist”, “futuristic” (that might spoil the twist actually). It is indeed minimalist (and futuristic), and I expect a few comments saying I’ve not really bothered my arse with this one, just scribbled a few lines and called it a day. Well, I would counter that all minimalism is half-arsed and lazy, so it’s perfectly justified in this here. Paradoxically, the blade is the least interesting part of this sword. Yes, it’s straight as an arrow, and has a classic 1-line fuller and typical “heroes-weapon” symmetrical tip, but in terms of overall import it’s merely a secondary weapon on this sword. Yep, look at the pommel, it’s a swirling infinite depth, all colours of the rainbow (and a few more ;-p) all swooshing and swirling around in front of your eyes. Just relax and take it all in. now take off your bra.
You’ve been hypnotised! That’s right, the pommel has the ability to hypnotise people (mentioned that already, now I think of it). The finest scholars, alchemists, chemists and necromancers of the age haven’t been able to work it out (and most of them got hypnotised by accident). The whole thing looks very… futuristic doesn’t it? …anyway….
What you can’t really tell from the picture (intentionally), is that the handle-wrap is a soft white suede material. Yet it never dirties, is waterproof and is dead good at gripping. The crossguard is a light, mysterious alloy, and is covered also in a brilliant white, mysterious, sort of, it’s hard to explain in the context of the world of Shagina (especially at this point in it’s history –ooh spoilers?), but it’s kind of plastic-cy. The sword is incredibly light to wield and nigh-on unbreakable.
There are many oft contradicting tales of how Remesmeo came into being. Some say it was crafted by the Greatgod KOK (it has to be all capitals. Like the God of our Christian faith, but KOK is even more all-powerful than That. It’s alleged he created all the other Gods, and insisted that if they get to capitalise their names then he gets all capitals. Sorry to just throw KOK in here, but you’ll be hearing more from him in the future let me tell you!). Other’s claim it fell from the sky in a flash of light on a specific night. However, let me tell you, this sword, Re:mesmo, is from the future.
Aha! It all makes sense now doesn’t it! All those clues throughout the text. The strange metal, the mysterious pommel with hypnotizing properties, the sleek white plastic aesthetic. Someone once wrote that all magic is just technology back in time or something, and here’s the proof. If the near-sighted thinkers of this age never even bothered to crack open the pommel, they would just find lots of wires and a few LED’s. I mustn’t speak much of the far future from the age of gods and kings and warriors we usually deal with for fear of spoiling some of the civilisation-defining event of the age (KOK dies though) but the sword was just a prank. The pommel is just a cheap novelty toy that some spoiled brat from the year 90,00000 glued onto his toy sword and sent it back in time for a laugh. But isn’t it interesting how much these simpler people value such a simple thing. Could it be that in our relentless pursuit of technological advancement, we are losing something? Our Humanity? Makes you think… Also makes you wonder if that little shit ever realised what he caused. That’s the other moral of this tale, don’t send shit back in time.
Aah the high seas.
I’m sure, reader, that you’ll agree what a relief it is to escape the murky swamps of Slurridjj to the fresh air of the Sea of Cuntea. A vast, inland sea almost the size of a continent itself, itself wrapped in the mega-continent of Shagina, our home here on Swords Drawn. Of course, regular visitors will no doubt have a niggling sensation that we can never be safe in this land, but fear not the mer-men this day, we have a much more pressing enemy much closer to hand.
“Corsairs! off the starboard brow!” comes the call from the crow’s nest, and the crew run about cussing, pulling ropes and tying them over those wooden rolling-pin things stick to the side of the boats. One cheeky young crewmate throws a bucket of briny water of at the first mates head; drunk as usual on pissy grog. He awakes with a roar, wipes his face, then looks up… and sees the red flag. Then shits himself.
The Corsair, the scourge of Cuntea. Ruthless pirates intent on one thing: attacking boats and stealing their loot and killing everyone. They have a number of names amongst the peoples of the Inland sea. Corsair, Pirate, Privateer, boat-sharpy-dicks in the giants-tongue, the orklins name them skrilligigs. One thing all races can agree on is that they don’t like them much.
This sword is typical of the Corsair, and a majestic weapon it is too. Do not think for one second that just because these guys (they’re all blokes) are all poor, uneducated, dregs of society not worth the louse-infested shirts they sleep in, that they don’t value the value of a good quality blade. A lifetime at sea, your next skirmish just over the crest of the next wave, they depend on fine craftsmanship. Besides, the salty air rusts cheap metal quite quickly.
The blade is curved, this is for a reason lost in time but most sea-faring people have curved blades. I think it’s purely cos it looks ace but I’m not sure. The delicate indent into the base of the blade is a bottle opener; as when the corsair isn’t pillaging he’s usually boozing on bottles of grog. Soon after man first went to sea they found that corks were getting nicked to plug holes in the hulls of their ships, and this led to the invention of the modern bottletop (so I guess some good came from all that pillaging and raping). But anyway, I’m sure your eyes were drawn to neither the curve of the blade nor the curve of the bottle-opener. Yes yes, there is a much more interesting “set of curves” on the blade!
This beautiful mermaid inscription is the work not of the bladesmith, but of the owner of the blade himself. Intricately carved, it is a vision of sheer beauty. You can almost feel it flowing effortlessly through the water. It’s sleek body gyrating in the warm currents. The mermaids are both a blessing and a curse to those who traverse the blue expanses. Legend has it they swim up to boats in the dead of night, their gentle songs and massive wet tits seducing lonesome sailors to their deaths. No sightings of Mermaids have ever been confirmed, but ask anysea traveller and they’ll swear they’ve seen them and barely survived their watery seduction.
Many’s a corsair who lies alone in his hammock, gently inscribing his blade with these beautiful women. A life on the sea is a a lonely place for a hot-blooded man, and these exquisite drawings, passed from bunk to bunk on those long lonely nights, can often be the only thing stopping these men from bumming each other. For this reason alone new recruits are sent for a few months of inscribing lessons on the lonely isle of Inscivulo even before their swordfighting and grog swilling lessons begin. No one likes a bummer, even less to the fiercely “homophobic” corsairs of Cuntea (the lady doth protest too much perhaps ;-p).
The crossguard is circular in shape, and quite sharp around the rim. You can just make out the jagged points of metal down the centre. These are used for making regularly spaces small holes in cloth. Not sure why, possibly to make it easier to rip or something.
The handle is very important for a number of reasons. If you look at sword as a whole, you’ll see an almost mathematically wavy line from tip to toe. Ostensibly this is to make the blade look like a wave, but it’s also a perfect sine wave (measure it go on). This balances the blade perfectly, giving the corsair great advantage over their foes (“bleedin’ strait’edges” as they call them). Evidence of the sheer craftsmanship of the blade can also be seen in the technologically advanced twisting mechanism in the handle. This give the corsair extra tactical options when in battle. If at any time he (they’re all blokes) wants to switch to an underarm holding position, all he needs to do is quickly grab the blade, flick a small switch, put in a four digit code, then twist the blade 20 degrees clockwise then a full 180 degrees anti-clockwise and he can hold it upside down. Some experienced corsairs can do this in under 15 seconds, but most of them need to run around the ship for about a half a minute getting chased by their opponent whilst they do this. Its worth it though cos holding a blade looks cool and leads to some ace finishing moves.
There’s another sexy mermaid on the handle with her arms spread out wide like a real birds legs and she’s all like “come on let’s fuck”.