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Remesmo

On a misty moor near dusk a lone-hooded wanderer walks, leading his weary old war horse. Out of the swirls of fog, he is suddenly surrounded. He looks over one shoulder sort of, but with only his hood visible so that it looks cool but he probably can’t see much. His weathered hand instinctively reaches under his rain-battered whaleskin cloak. He counts 8, 9, maybe more in the bushes.remesmo

“dint be silly now sonneh” grunts the leader; an old, ugly barbarian in tattered furs. “Dere’s furteen ov uz, and ainly wan of uuz”. The wanderer’s eyes narrow (but you can’t see it cos of his hood, but you can tell by his stubbly chin). “tak off yer sword and put it don on t’grund”.

The lonesome wanderer grunts, turns to his horse and whispers “easy girl” while it licks his hands a bit, looking for an apple. Then he unbuckles his belt. Some of the barbarians laugh gruffly and start whooping, scratching their bare chests and shifting their weight from one foot to the other. Rough clubs made of bones or wood are waved in the air. But suddenly: “Oh yeah? Check this out!” the man bellows, and lifts the sword high into the sky, handle up to the heavens. The Pommel!  A bright light blinds the whole squad of barbarians. They are transfixed. Black swirls mesmerize them and all weapons drop to the ground. All of a sudden, they are hypnotized. “ha ha! unlucky you stupid idiots!” the wanderer bellows. Then, still holding the blade aloft, walks casually round and murders each of the transfixed barbarians with a knife except the birds who he feels up first then kills, then he lets his horse eat some of them and shit on the rest. He also shits and pisses on some of them (I didn’t say he wasn’t a dickhead).  Yes, this wanderer’s sword is no normal blade. It is the mythic “Remesmo”. A blade forged (allegedly) before the dawn of time. It’s name a fearful whisper on the lips of travellers, adventurers and bar/kitchen-staff in taverns.

Key buzzwords I invented at the concept stage were “sleek”, “minimalist”, “futuristic” (that might spoil the twist actually). It is indeed minimalist (and futuristic), and I expect a few comments saying I’ve not really bothered my arse with this one, just scribbled a few lines and called it a day. Well, I would counter that all minimalism is half-arsed and lazy, so it’s perfectly justified in this here. Paradoxically, the blade is the least interesting part of this sword. Yes, it’s straight as an arrow, and has a classic 1-line fuller and typical “heroes-weapon” symmetrical tip, but in terms of overall import it’s merely a secondary weapon on this sword. Yep, look at the pommel, it’s a swirling infinite depth, all colours of the rainbow (and a few more ;-p) all swooshing and swirling around in front of your eyes. Just relax and take it all in. now take off your bra.

You’ve been hypnotised! That’s right, the pommel has the ability to hypnotise people (mentioned that already, now I think of it). The finest scholars, alchemists, chemists and necromancers of the age haven’t been able to work it out (and most of them got hypnotised by accident). The whole thing looks very… futuristic doesn’t it? …anyway….

What you can’t really tell from the picture (intentionally), is that the handle-wrap is a soft white suede material. Yet it never dirties, is waterproof and is dead good at gripping. The crossguard is a light, mysterious alloy, and is covered also in a brilliant white, mysterious, sort of, it’s hard to explain in the context of the world of Shagina (especially at this point in it’s history –ooh spoilers?), but it’s kind of plastic-cy. The sword is incredibly light to wield and nigh-on unbreakable.

There are many oft contradicting tales of how Remesmeo came into being. Some say it was crafted by the Greatgod KOK (it has to be all capitals. Like the God of our Christian faith, but KOK is even more all-powerful than That. It’s alleged he created all the other Gods, and insisted that if they get to capitalise their names then he gets all capitals. Sorry to just throw KOK in here, but you’ll be hearing more from him in the future let me tell you!). Other’s claim it fell from the sky in a flash of light on a specific night. However, let me tell you, this sword, Re:mesmo, is from the future.

Aha! It all makes sense now doesn’t it! All those clues throughout the text. The strange metal, the mysterious pommel with hypnotizing properties, the sleek white plastic aesthetic. Someone once wrote that all magic is just technology back in time or something, and here’s the proof. If the near-sighted thinkers of this age never even bothered to crack open the pommel, they would just find lots of wires and a few LED’s. I mustn’t speak much of the far future from the age of gods and kings and warriors we usually deal with for fear of spoiling some of the civilisation-defining event of the age (KOK dies though) but the sword was just a prank. The pommel is just a cheap novelty toy that some spoiled brat from the year 90,00000 glued onto his toy sword and sent it back in time for a laugh. But isn’t it interesting how much these simpler people value such a simple thing. Could it be that in our relentless pursuit of technological advancement, we are losing something? Our Humanity? Makes you think… Also makes you wonder if that little shit ever realised what he caused. That’s the other moral of this tale, don’t send shit back in time.

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