Two swords for you this week. Which is fitting as both swords need two people to wield them!
There was once a proverb about the difference between heaven and hell. Where they both used chopsticks that were 200 metres long or something, and in heaven they fed each other and in hell they used their hands or some shit like that. I don’t remember, it didn’t make much sense anyway as chopsticks are Chinese and heaven is a product of the Christian faith and as we all know Christianity didn’t reach china until 675AD at the VERY earliest. But basically my point is that sometimes, having a friend by your side is better than being on your own.
“Me no need no friend” grunts a buff barbarian from the hills to the North, in his goatskin thong and massive broadsword. But, quick as a flash, and arrow pierces his neck and he goes down. That’s got nothing to do with friendship as it was just one guy with a bow but you see my point. Having a friend is ace.
The first one (to the right) is rustic in style, made with a double-goat-horn-crossguard. The doublegoat was initially born as a freakish mutation high up in the hills to the north. A passing “curator of curiosites”, S’ungfrall Rocnkkkg (more of him in future posts), spied this magnificent freak and after much too-ing and fro-ing with his manservants, managed to capture the beast. (the tooing and froing was between Rocnkkg and his servants, as opposed to the goat. The goat was actually quite a docile beast but his servants, much to Rocnkkgs regular chagrin, were anything but! We’ve all been there S’unggyt!). He then was able to breed the hellish freak with each other (it was two goats joined at the horn, I didn’t make that clear earlier) (oh and let’s not get into the ethics of interbreeding between siblings – If it’s ok for some oh-so-cool twins on some popular TV show it’s ok for a couple of freakish goats, besides, who else are gonna fuck two ugly goats?) and the breed survived, escaped and now roam the hills to the north as a free-herd. As you can see, the blade(s!) are (intentionally) a little warped, meaning that whoever made this/these sword(s) is not quite as adept as the other one. You can see some blood on the horns, as a clever little mirroring of my earlier Barbarians blade, but in fact this blood is from two wielders who couldn’t cooperate well, again enforcing the running theme of cooperation. Clever eh!
The other blade is even more intricate, with not two but THREE blades. It also has spikes in the middle, and as a result of the heft of such a blade you can see the crossguard bending a bit, which is sad (but also intentional). I admit, reader, that I may have got carried away with this one. A lot of people might tell me that the world of Shagina is quite cinematic, and a movie could easily be filmed based on the exploits of one or some of my many characters already revealed. I modestly admit now that I’m already picturing the climactic scene of one such movie. Here, two adventurers who have been on each other’s nerves the whole film, must put their differences to one side in order to take on a cycloptic giant demon. The beast can only be felled with this blade which must have two people holding it. They finally realise this and put their differences aside. Ducking under the demons huge club-swings, they roll, both holding hands with the blade and do loads of ace sword moves until the beast is dead. Whilst fighting her (it’s a she) loads of smaller cyclopi come out of slimy holes in the cavern and they have to deal with them too, either by kicking them (I picture one of the adventurers to be a feisty female with long flowing red hair, and she does high kicks in knee length boots and tight leather trousers, the other ones a swarthy bloke with his top off at this point. She might have her top off too actually, it depends on the films rating) or stabbing them with these mini-spikes. Eventually however they defeat the hellish female and her hell-spwaned brood and they can save the town or collect the gold or whatever. At this point, the crossguard finally gives up the ghost and snaps. Yet as the bond of the blade is broken, the bond of friendship is finally bonded between these two would-be adventurers. At this point in many films they’d start a romance, but here’s the modern twist, they’re both gay! You see the bird getting off with a buxom wench with massive tits in an earlier scene but you just have to take the guys word for it.
So there you go, I think we’ve all learned a lesson today about friendship. Newton once said something about standing on a Giants shoulderblades, and here, once the giant is dead, a friendship is made whilst standing on its shoulders. (Also the giant has one eye and dies- another metaphor like the barbarian from earlier)