Aah the high seas.
I’m sure, reader, that you’ll agree what a relief it is to escape the murky swamps of Slurridjj to the fresh air of the Sea of Cuntea. A vast, inland sea almost the size of a continent itself, itself wrapped in the mega-continent of Shagina, our home here on Swords Drawn. Of course, regular visitors will no doubt have a niggling sensation that we can never be safe in this land, but fear not the mer-men this day, we have a much more pressing enemy much closer to hand.
“Corsairs! off the starboard brow!” comes the call from the crow’s nest, and the crew run about cussing, pulling ropes and tying them over those wooden rolling-pin things stick to the side of the boats. One cheeky young crewmate throws a bucket of briny water of at the first mates head; drunk as usual on pissy grog. He awakes with a roar, wipes his face, then looks up… and sees the red flag. Then shits himself.
The Corsair, the scourge of Cuntea. Ruthless pirates intent on one thing: attacking boats and stealing their loot and killing everyone. They have a number of names amongst the peoples of the Inland sea. Corsair, Pirate, Privateer, boat-sharpy-dicks in the giants-tongue, the orklins name them skrilligigs. One thing all races can agree on is that they don’t like them much.
This sword is typical of the Corsair, and a majestic weapon it is too. Do not think for one second that just because these guys (they’re all blokes) are all poor, uneducated, dregs of society not worth the louse-infested shirts they sleep in, that they don’t value the value of a good quality blade. A lifetime at sea, your next skirmish just over the crest of the next wave, they depend on fine craftsmanship. Besides, the salty air rusts cheap metal quite quickly.
The blade is curved, this is for a reason lost in time but most sea-faring people have curved blades. I think it’s purely cos it looks ace but I’m not sure. The delicate indent into the base of the blade is a bottle opener; as when the corsair isn’t pillaging he’s usually boozing on bottles of grog. Soon after man first went to sea they found that corks were getting nicked to plug holes in the hulls of their ships, and this led to the invention of the modern bottletop (so I guess some good came from all that pillaging and raping). But anyway, I’m sure your eyes were drawn to neither the curve of the blade nor the curve of the bottle-opener. Yes yes, there is a much more interesting “set of curves” on the blade!
This beautiful mermaid inscription is the work not of the bladesmith, but of the owner of the blade himself. Intricately carved, it is a vision of sheer beauty. You can almost feel it flowing effortlessly through the water. It’s sleek body gyrating in the warm currents. The mermaids are both a blessing and a curse to those who traverse the blue expanses. Legend has it they swim up to boats in the dead of night, their gentle songs and massive wet tits seducing lonesome sailors to their deaths. No sightings of Mermaids have ever been confirmed, but ask anysea traveller and they’ll swear they’ve seen them and barely survived their watery seduction.
Many’s a corsair who lies alone in his hammock, gently inscribing his blade with these beautiful women. A life on the sea is a a lonely place for a hot-blooded man, and these exquisite drawings, passed from bunk to bunk on those long lonely nights, can often be the only thing stopping these men from bumming each other. For this reason alone new recruits are sent for a few months of inscribing lessons on the lonely isle of Inscivulo even before their swordfighting and grog swilling lessons begin. No one likes a bummer, even less to the fiercely “homophobic” corsairs of Cuntea (the lady doth protest too much perhaps ;-p).
The crossguard is circular in shape, and quite sharp around the rim. You can just make out the jagged points of metal down the centre. These are used for making regularly spaces small holes in cloth. Not sure why, possibly to make it easier to rip or something.
The handle is very important for a number of reasons. If you look at sword as a whole, you’ll see an almost mathematically wavy line from tip to toe. Ostensibly this is to make the blade look like a wave, but it’s also a perfect sine wave (measure it go on). This balances the blade perfectly, giving the corsair great advantage over their foes (“bleedin’ strait’edges” as they call them). Evidence of the sheer craftsmanship of the blade can also be seen in the technologically advanced twisting mechanism in the handle. This give the corsair extra tactical options when in battle. If at any time he (they’re all blokes) wants to switch to an underarm holding position, all he needs to do is quickly grab the blade, flick a small switch, put in a four digit code, then twist the blade 20 degrees clockwise then a full 180 degrees anti-clockwise and he can hold it upside down. Some experienced corsairs can do this in under 15 seconds, but most of them need to run around the ship for about a half a minute getting chased by their opponent whilst they do this. Its worth it though cos holding a blade looks cool and leads to some ace finishing moves.
There’s another sexy mermaid on the handle with her arms spread out wide like a real birds legs and she’s all like “come on let’s fuck”.